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Heidi-Art-Faith Dr. Heidi Roberts 19 Nov 1970 - 31 July 2016

Heidi’s International Memorial Service, or “Going Away Party” as Heidi called it:

More video testimonies from Heidi & Michael’s friends {click here}

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François Fénelon lived three hundred years ago (1651-1715) but his teachings are perhaps more relevant now than ever.

François Fénelon was a French Roman Catholic archbishop, theologian, poet and writer. He was  appointed  by Louis XIV in 1689 as educator of his grandson and potential successor, the Duc de Bourgogne. Because of this position, he gained much influence at the court. Later on though, he suffered a loss in the favor with the church of Rome, and the royals, due to his convictions.

Fénelon was called to be a representative of a movement called “quietism”. If translated to modern day language, mindfulness would be the related term. However, it is not just a technique of mindfulness, but a more profound experience of peace and safety in God. This is not to be confused with possessive experiences in which a person passively gives into inner or outer forces.

When experiencing God, Fénelon was not merely referring to an emotional experience but a deep understanding of His presence and benevolent will towards us; His desire to be a personal God to you and me.

I cannot help but thinking that the author Paul Young studied Fénelon, Young wrote the widely popular, but controvesial book, “Shack”. Shack paints a picture of God, in layman’s terms, to be easily available, profoundly accepting and constantly seeking to live in a peaceful union with His children.

Fénelon pursues the same ideas and practical steps how to live that relationship out. I intend to lay these principles out in these pages.

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Heidi asked me to help her make this video just 6 weeks before her recurrent diagnosis (4 months before she went to the Lord). Her intention was to make a series of “prayer-movement” video guides, which would be incorporated into some of her Cognitive Behavioural Therapy curriculum.
I am really missing her today :(

Newmood movement from Newmood on Vimeo.

No Fear


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This message to Heidi was received from a woman in Europe today. The message was confirmed independently, by three other believers, who received similar messages, on the same day.

Hi Michael,
Yesterday, I saw what you wrote about Heidi going to the palliative care/maybe not leaving the hospital and the beautiful photos you’d taken. Our hearts go out to you all, and we continue to pray. Please give Heidi our love. I was praying afterward, and something came to my mind that I think might be from the Lord, so I wrote it down. It is a different style than I usually receive. Please ask the Lord yourselves. I’ve put it in the attachment, and I’m praying that the Lord will speak to you/bless you through it.

With love & prayers,

From the gates of heaven, the trumpet sounds, announcing the arrival of the Master, all kneeling down. His beloved has not tarried but has entered now, unsure of what awaits her. “Do not be afraid,” says He. “I have been waiting most anxiously (eagerly) for you. I have many things to show you, but first, this is yours.”

Upon her head He places a beautiful crown of jewels. “You have earned it, my dear one. Your prayers have been heard, and your love has been seen. Your heart is now like mine. You have finished the race. Enter now with joy. Your family is in my care and will join you later. I have called you ahead for a purpose that will soon be revealed. I love you, my daughter, and am proud of you. You have faced life and death with me, and death is defeated as you are alive forevermore.”

A loving, gentle hug He gives her, and then she places the crown at His feet. “It is yours forever,” says He, and places it back on her head. Her essence is pure; this heavenly body suits her well, this beautiful bride of Christ. They turn and enter together, farther up and into where His glory dwells.

{I had the thought/impression that Heidi will be even more beautiful than in the photos Michael took. (She is already so beautiful, that it is hard for me to imagine that she can be more beautiful.)}

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Rukouksen henki


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Fenelon toistaa kirjeissään usein teemoja “Kestä itseäsi, älä masennu puutteittesi takia ja laita syrjään kiihkeytesi.” Hän kirjoittaa kirjeitään viitaten vain harvoin raamatun teksteihin, toisin kuin monet nykyaikaiset opettajat. Tämä tapa viehätyttää jossain määrin minua juuri siitä syystä, että kirjoittaja olettaa lukijan tuntevan viitelähteeen ja pureutuu siten tekstin henkeen. Siihen mitä tietty opetus muuttuu teoriasta todellisuudeksi.

Minua on aina kiinnostanut metodi, niin tylsältä kuin se kuulostaakin. Se mistä osista kokonaisuus muodostuu tai mitä kautta asiat saavutetaan, olipa kyse taiteesta, tiesteestä tai uskonnosta.

Tästä syystä Fenelonin kirjeet ovat tuntuneet erityisen mieleisiltä. Fenelon kehottaa usein laittamaan syrjään sekä fyysisen että henkisen (kiihkeyden) ylivirittyneisyyden. Käytän termiä ylivirittyneisyys tietoisesti. Haluan alleviivata sen olevan jotain, mikä on poikkeavaa normaalista olemisen tilasta. Raamattu toteaa mielenrauhan olevan terveyden perusta ja siihen viittaavat lukuisat tieteelliset tutkimuksetkin.

Syövän kohdalla mielenruahan, tyyneyden ja optimistisen asenteen on todettu olevan merkittävässä



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[Written 3 Months after Heidi’s Cancer Diagnosis ]

I stumbled across something very interesting the other day, that admittedly, hit home : Personality C , the People Pleasers …. (that would be me)

We all have heard of aggressive type of personality A, but not so many of  a personality C. To grossly simplify, go-getter A is more likely to have a heart attack and people pleaser Cs; cancer!

It appears that Cs have learned early in their lives that in order to be accepted, one needs to please others and put their own feelings and needs aside. This is often conditioned through a trauma. Their coping mechanism is greatly challenged when a second trauma eventually crosses their lives (a divorce, loss of job, loss of a loved one..).

This is where it gets interesting. The person has learned to cope with their first trauma, but as the second trauma hits, the body and mind are no longer cope and immune system starts to give in. The second trauma carries a message “pain is unavoidable, pain is too overwhelming”. This arouses a prominent sense of helplessness, despair and a feeling of being abandoned. A C person feels that there is nothing they can do to escape their fate of being without help.

These feelings are not just electrochemical incidents inside the brain, but feelings that communicate with the whole body. Down to the very cells of immune system. White blood cells called “Natural Killer Cells” (NK Cells) are one of the key players in cancer game. These killer cells recognize and destroy alarming cells, but what amazes me is that what we think and feel effects their function.

We all have cancer cells, whether they develop into full fledged cancer depends on various factors. The key being the immune system and how well it functions.

Imagine your mind being like an old fashioned telephone. The telephone lines being your blood stream, nervous system and all the other communicative systems that passes the message from the brain to the rest of the body and back again. If  your inner climate is prominently cloudy that is, helpless: then the message to NK Cells is literally “no can do” and the NKs simply withdraw from the battle!

Once this was called voodoo science, now it is evidenced based medicine.

The killer cell activity level in a study led by Dr. Steven Locke (Harvard Medical School) showed that the group with high stress and low symptoms was three times higher than those with high stress and high symptoms.

People under stress who know how to deal with it emotionally thus appear to have more immune activity than even unstressed people with poor mental habits. Similar results have been proved to be significant in various human and animal studies.

If you are anything like me, at this point you start to feel stress that you are stressed. Trying to follow an anticancer-diet, exercise and reduce stress can all be good and even empowering, but at some point I started to feel overwhelmed and not measuring up.

The truth is, death rate is 100% and at some point it hits, no matter how you eat, drink, move or how optimistic you feel.

However we are not without hope and you can experience peace along the way. I think the eternal perspective is crucial. This life is temporary, my real home is Heaven. Therefore death is simply a veil between those two. Paul (without being suicidal) was going as far as stating the death to be his victory. He was rejoicing that although his body was fading away, his inner man was renewed daily.

More info: Natural killer cells (also known as NK cells, K cells, and killer cells) are a type of lymphocyte (a white blood cell) and a component of innate immune system. NK cells play a major role in the host-rejection of both tumours and virally infected cells.

Heb.13 says:

He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down, or (relax My hold on you)! Assuredly not!

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Some of my friends have asked me, I suppose based on my medical background and interest in healthy lifestyle, what is my take on food.

Well, you have a real pandora’s box there! Ask a general doctor and he will refer to pyramid model, ask a general nutritionist and the answer is the same.  Ask a health food reseller and you leave the sore with a handbag full of powders, pills and mystic ideas of immune system. Do your own research and even if you do it diligently, you will end up with confusing theories, contradicting studies and scattered information. It is like the puzzle just keeps on changing.

The good and bad news is that there is no absolute truth and if there is, it is likely to sound like:” (Almost) everything in moderation”. Boring, huh?

This being said, you can find a plan that makes sense and works for your benefit. One that may just change your physical and emotional health, to the better. There just isn’ t one fits for all formula.


Being bold


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Sometime ago I had to cut my hair, as expected with chemo. According to some research it is one of the most painful steps in healing. It certainly feels like “this is it”, the sickness is visible and tangitable.

You can no longer hide behind the hair, steer the focus elsewhere from your face or have fun with different hairdos (although, short hair can be even more demanding unless you go for an elf look).

I felt simply more exposed due to fact that my outside wasn’t matching the inside; there was a loud contradiction “this is not me”. Luckily adaptation kicks in and in a week I started feel cool about it.

“This is not me” is fairly easy to change when it comes to style. You can always go for the closest look and aim  (Heidi did not finish this entery)




If I was God..


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Some time ago I run across an amusing video at Father’s heart ministries. The pastor, with a twinkle in his eyes, told the way he would have handled the whole great mission of Jesus. It resonated with me. So here is my version of it.

First of all, time is money, so noneed for baby Jesus. I would have simply skipped the whole childhood and “I can’t decide what I am going to be”or, “when I grow up carpenter” phase. I mean, it is pretty clear to me what He came for and easily explained. Besides what’s the point of wasting 30 years of ordinary life, if it wasn’t even recorded for the most part?

So.. grown up Jesus would have been beamed down to earth with an entire team of fully equipped, multinational and trained disciples waiting for His feet to land. This, of course, would have meant that John the baptist have skipped his camelhair,bees and honey experiment to save time and get organized. Comprehensive and systematic teaching lessons accompanied with “working experience” had been implemented even before the countdown.

As soon as the Lord’s feet hit the ground, the whole plan would have been laid out and executed; terms cleared and goals set. No need for complicating parables, plain facts would have been fine, in manuals of course.

I am sure my husband, Mykal, would have equipped the team with appropriate gadgets and why not? The whole point was to reach all nations. At the least, the whole journey should have been recorded, taped and securely copied.

And what’s with the dawdling around the sea? Aren’t we suppose to dream big? With a little effort the the gospel would have reached the Siberia by the due date.

Another thing I would have immediately frozen were the numerous time-outs in the deserts. I mean, if we only had those couple of years, there simply was no point of taking holidays. We all need to stretch at times and pushing beyond comfort zone doesn’t hurt the flesh. Besides, heaven is for resting.

I would also have to have a little heart-to-heart performance appraisal with Jesus; a  workshop on management skills perhaps. As a team leader He would need to be simply more focused. Silly little mistakes such as forgetting to bring lunch and financial mishaps  happened more than once. We cannot overlook poor life managements skills. They simply interfere with the core mission. With a little anticipation and proper planning these kind of stressful events could have be avoided.

A whole another issue is Judas. Was it really necessary to bring him on-board the team?” There is no I in the team” as they say, yet it was pretty obvious that Judas was in it for the money. I understand that there needed to be a bad guy, but really, an outsider would have been okay. I can feel for the rest of the team, they must have been confused too.

I am glad that the actual recruiting process of Judas was not recorded as it was for some others. I am pretty sure though, it something profound as “Hi, can I tag along!”. A little bit of psychological discernment would have been helpful for the sake of the team.

So there. Pretty straight forward, n’est-ce pas? Aren’t we all glad that I am not God? ;)

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This morning I run across a christian book that was translated to something along the lines “The most efficient 21 minutes of your day”. I have not read the book, so I cannot comment on the content, but I do find the title interesting.

Efficiency and productivity is the name of the game; maximize your time and experience, get organized and set goals.

We seem to have a love and hate relationship with this issue. On the other hand we freely admit that this lifestyle is taking a toll on us, yet at the same time we keep on tagging along. A certain level of gratification and relief keeps us going back.

For many of us, stopping has meant restlessness, uneasiness, aimless touring from room to room and frustrating browsing in the internet. Maybe you had a hammering thought: “I should be doing something else, I should be doing domething…” A sense of emptiness combined with neurotic guilt is a killer combination…and off we go, back to action again.

These painful inner experiences are mistakingly interpreted as a sense of wrongness: being wrong or doing wrong. Being safely busy silences those inner voices, but leave us exhausted and discontent.

My customers regularly are relieved, when I explain that these “nagging voices” are simply a product of an exhausted symphatetic nervous system and not to be confused as the truth.

This fight or flight system produces a sense of wrongness as it was created for that purpose, to detect danger when in crisis. However, it was created for short time use only! Yet our lifestyle keeps it, against its nature, as the dominant system, hence irritation, restlesness, negative interpretations and aroused level of alertness or hypervigilance.

Gradual downgrading is usually the key from switching successfully SNS to PNS (mellow mode). That is why I suggest “swapping” rather than going cold turkey; changing high impact activities to low impact activities. F.e changing running to walking. Instead of taking only a 30 minute lunch break to a lunch break plus 5 minute minibreakes every hour.

One effective rule is to do everything (including walking, typing, talking and breathing) 25% slowlier and avoiding chronic multitasking.

I also suggest parents taking a good look at their kids hobbies. Do they add value, downtime or do they drain the family. In the end of the day, it should be about everybody’s balance. This translates itself as a general feeling of invigoration rather than depletion.

People sometimes believe that multitude of hobbies pave a pathway to their children’s  wellbeing and success in life. Reasonable amount of pleasant activities do promote good health and performance, this is well documented. However mark may be missed, if members of the family suffer from chronic lack (lack of rest, lack of time, lack of contentment, lack of connection to each other..).

Creative solitude (or boredom, if you wish) is something that mind actually requires. It is a state of being that allows the brain to rejuvenate and ultimately gain back the zest of life.

Solitude, if accepted with peace, rather than fear, allows us to get connected; with our thoughts, feelings, needs and bodily sensations.

Solitude is actually a rich source of information. It has many layers and it takes time and practise to become aware of its frequencies. Sadly many of us never take a curious look at it.

At the surface of the mind lies fuzzy waters cradled by winds of this world. This layer is your fleeting thougths or automatic thoughts that pop in and out of your mind. There are also feelings that sets the climate of  your mental scenary.

At a deeper level rests the more steady currant. This level, I believe, is the solitude in which we can experience God in a way psalm 19 describes it: “There is no speech nor are there words—their voice is not heard— yet their message goes out into all the world and their words to the ends of the earth”. In this psalm the glory of God is declared without words.

For me this is simply an act of listening. I know that I have a God who desires to communicate with me in various ways, yet it takes a certain amount of discipline to quiet my busy mind to hear His gentle voice.

I find it important that I enter into His presence with faith and an expectancy of love. I trust that whatever He has to say, it is done in love. If I fail to have this attitude I find myself struggling in my own effort to be quiet or frustrated that I am not hearing of Him the way I have planned to and end up feeling disappointed at me and God.

The whole Psalm 4 has a comforting message about trusting God, but I find the following verses especially helpful: “The Lord hears when I call to him…ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.”

Prior to my illness I had many subtle but deadly misconceptions about life; mainly about priorities and His expectancies of me. Suddenly the whole picture of life became much clearer. Sort of the famous tunnel experience without physical death. Not that I understand everything, but the right perspective simplifies everything down to Him. My role was far smaller than I anticipated or feared for.

I wish you a great day, filled with His voice and peace.